Tag Archives: love

Marriage Intimacy – Conference Notes

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Covenant Intimacy: Cultivating Oneness in Marriage

Marriage in the biblical sense is not merely a social contract or a partnership; it is a sacred covenant—a divinely instituted bond that mirrors God’s covenant love with His people. The Hebrew term berith (בְּרִית) denotes a solemn, binding agreement, marked not only by promises but by loyalty, faithfulness, and mutual self-giving. In the New Testament, this covenantal reality is deepened through Christ, who embodies sacrificial love (agape, ἀγάπη) that calls spouses to serve one another in humility and grace (Ephesians 5:21–33).

At the heart of covenant intimacy is oneness. Genesis 2:24 provides the foundational paradigm: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (yada’, יָדַע). This “knowing” is both relational and sexual, reflecting the full depth of emotional, spiritual, and physical unity. The Hebrew concept carries intentionality: to truly know is to commit, to enter into the mystery of the other in trust and vulnerability.

1. Emotional and Spiritual Intimacy: Grounded in Discipleship

Intimacy begins in the soul. Couples are called to cultivate mutual transparency, confession, and encouragement, echoing the pastoral model of discipleship. Paul’s admonition in Ephesians 4:32—“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you”—offers a template for relational healing.

Practical Steps:

  • Regular Spiritual Check-ins: Set aside time weekly to share personal spiritual victories, struggles, and prayers. This mirrors the Jewish practice of hevruta, spiritual partnership, applied to marriage.
  • Scripture Sharing: Read passages together that emphasize covenant faithfulness, such as Hosea 2:19–20 or Song of Solomon 2:16. Discuss what it means to love sacrificially in the context of God’s covenant.

Example: A husband and wife may take a Psalm each week, reflecting on God’s steadfast love (chesed, חֶסֶד), and share how it encourages them to act faithfully toward one another.

2. Physical Intimacy as Covenant Expression

Sexual intimacy in marriage is not a mere physical act but a profound covenantal sign. Paul’s instruction in 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 emphasizes mutual authority over one another’s bodies, highlighting consent, desire, and attentive love. The Greek word soma (σῶμα) underscores the body as integral to relational unity, not separate from spiritual or emotional connection.

Practical Steps:

  • Intentional Touch and Affection: Beyond sexual encounters, daily gestures of touch—holding hands, gentle hugs, and affirming kisses—strengthen the sense of oneness.
  • Sexual Rhythm and Communication: Like cultivating agape, sexual intimacy benefits from intentionality, listening, and mutual understanding rather than routine or obligation.

Example: A couple may schedule regular “covenant nights” where the focus is on emotional closeness first, leading into physical intimacy, emphasizing the full scope of knowing (yada’) one another.

3. Reconciliation and Covenant Repair

Covenantal intimacy is tested in conflict and broken trust. The Hebrew Scriptures often illustrate covenant repair through rituals of atonement, dialogue, and restoration (e.g., Numbers 5:5–10). In a marriage, bitterness or resentment acts as a barrier to oneness. Forgiveness is the vessel through which intimacy is restored.

Practical Steps:

  • Transparent Apologies: Use “I statements” to express hurt without blame. Example: “I felt distant when…”
  • Record-Free Covenant Keeping: Avoid keeping mental “ledgers” of wrongs. Instead, mirror God’s forgiveness (Colossians 3:13).
  • Counseling as Shepherding: Pastoral or Christian counseling can provide structured guidance in rebuilding trust.

Example: After a major disagreement, a couple may intentionally pray together, verbally affirming mutual commitment to repair and trust, creating a spiritual as well as relational healing.

4. Covenant Rituals and Symbolic Practices

Hebrew and Christian traditions often employ ritual as a tangible expression of covenant faithfulness. Small but intentional practices cultivate relational memory and reinforce unity.

Practical Steps:

  • Weekly Covenant Meals: Sharing intentional meals without distraction, reflecting on God’s covenant with each other, mirrors the covenantal feasts of Israel.
  • Anniversary Reflections: Beyond gifts, reflecting on God’s faithfulness through marriage fosters gratitude and spiritual depth.
  • Shared Devotional Practices: Singing, prayer, or journaling together enhances both spiritual and emotional oneness.

Example: A couple may light a candle each week, reading Song of Solomon 8:6–7, symbolizing love as a flame strengthened by trust and God’s covenant presence.

Conclusion

Covenant intimacy in marriage is a dynamic, God-centered pursuit. It is not achieved merely through techniques but through a sustained commitment to oneness—emotional, spiritual, and physical—modeled on Christ’s sacrificial love. Couples who approach marriage as a covenant discover that intimacy grows from shared vulnerability, forgiveness, and disciplined love. As shepherds of one another’s hearts, husbands and wives reflect the divine covenant in ways that are both deeply relational and spiritually formative.

Discussion Questions

  1. Oneness and Covenant Theology
    • Genesis 2:24 emphasizes the couple becoming “one flesh” (yada’, יָדַע). How does this Hebrew concept of “knowing” inform our understanding of emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy in marriage?
    • In what ways can modern couples cultivate “oneness” beyond physical intimacy, reflecting covenant faithfulness in daily life?
    • Discuss practical ways to apply the biblical model of covenant to repair relational breaches or build deeper trust.
  2. Spiritual Intimacy and Discipleship in Marriage
    • Ephesians 5:21–33 and Colossians 3:12–14 call for mutual submission, forgiveness, and love. How does viewing marriage as a context for mutual discipleship transform conflict resolution, emotional vulnerability, and spiritual growth?
    • Share examples of habits, practices, or rituals that encourage spiritual intimacy and accountability within your marriage.
  3. Physical Intimacy as Covenant Expression
    • 1 Corinthians 7:3–5 presents the body as a shared authority (soma, σῶμα) within marriage. How does this concept challenge or expand contemporary cultural understandings of sexual intimacy?
    • Discuss how intentionality, communication, and mutual consent can enhance covenantal physical intimacy, making it both relational and spiritual.
  4. Forgiveness, Reconciliation, and Covenant Repair
    • Reflect on biblical examples of covenant restoration (e.g., Hosea’s marriage as metaphor, Numbers 5:5–10). How do forgiveness and transparent apology function as practical and spiritual tools to rebuild intimacy?
    • What are the barriers in your own context to practicing “record-free” covenant-keeping, and how might couples cultivate an environment of grace and restoration?
  5. Ritual, Memory, and Symbolic Practices
    • How do small, intentional practices (shared meals, anniversary reflections, devotional rituals) reinforce covenantal intimacy?
    • Explore the relationship between symbolic acts and emotional memory. How can couples adapt biblical ritual principles (berith, בְּרִית) to cultivate ongoing intimacy in their marriage today?

Bibliography

  1. Brueggemann, Walter. Genesis: A Bible Commentary for Teaching and Preaching. Westminster John Knox Press, 2010.
  2. Longman III, Tremper. Song of Solomon: An Introduction and Commentary. IVP Academic, 2001.
  3. Goldingay, John. Old Testament Theology, Volume 1: Israel’s Gospel. InterVarsity Press, 2003.
  4. Fee, Gordon D., and Douglas Stuart. How to Read the Bible for All Its Worth. 5th ed., Zondervan, 2014.
  5. Perrotta, Kevin, and Louise Perrotta. Oneness: Jesus’ Vision of Marriage. 2024.
  6. Gregoire, Sheila, and Dr. Keith Gregoire. The Marriage You Want: Moving Beyond Stereotypes for a Relationship Built on Scripture, New Data, and Emotional Health. 2025.
  7. Reynolds, Adrian, and Celia Reynolds. Closer: A Realistic Book About Intimacy for Christian Marriages. 2021.
  8. Konzen, Dr. Jennifer. The Art of Intimate Marriage: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Sexual Intimacy. 2016.
  9. Westermann, Claus. Genesis 12–36: A Commentary. Augsburg Fortress, 1985.
  10. Packer, J. I. Knowing God. IVP, 1973. (for theological foundations of covenant love)

Recommended Reading

  • Kevin and Louise Perrotta, Oneness: Jesus’ Vision of Marriage. 2024.
  • Adrian Reynolds & Celia Reynolds, Closer: A Realistic Book About Intimacy for Christian Marriages. 2021.
  • Sheila & Dr. Keith Gregoire, The Marriage You Want. 2025.
  • Dr. Jennifer Konzen, The Art of Intimate Marriage. 2016.
  • Emerson Eggerichs, Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. 2004.
  • Timothy Keller & Kathy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God. 2011.

The Covenant of Marriage Rebuild – Conference Notes

Posted by expedition44 on

Rebuilding Covenant Love: Humility, Servanthood, and the Healing of a Broken Christian Marriage

Prayer as a Catalyst for Healing and Restoration in Marriage

Prayer is foundational for the healing and restoration of a marriage because it invites the presence and transformative power of God into the relational space. Through prayer, spouses can confess their own shortcomings, seek forgiveness, and intercede for one another, fostering humility and dependence on the Holy Spirit rather than relying solely on human effort. Prayer aligns hearts with God’s will, softens pride, and cultivates empathy, enabling couples to approach conflict with grace and patience. Applicable practices include joint prayer times, where couples speak aloud their needs and blessings for each other; silent intercessory prayer, focusing on God’s intervention in challenging areas; and praying Scripture over the marriage, such as Ephesians 4:2–3 or 1 Corinthians 13, which reinforces covenantal love and unity. Regular, intentional prayer not only strengthens the spiritual bond but also provides a safe, sacred rhythm for ongoing restoration and emotional reconciliation. In this sense, every aspect of healing and restoration should be bathed in prayer. Welcome others to also faithfully intercede for your marriage in prayer.

I. Marriage as Covenant: The Theological Foundation of Restoration

Christian marriage is not sustained by sentiment but by covenant. Scripture consistently frames marriage within the moral architecture of covenant fidelity (בְּרִית, berît), a binding relational oath rooted in loyal love (ḥesed). Malachi 2:14 explicitly calls marriage a “covenant” before God, invoking not merely a private contract but a sacred, witnessed union accountable to Yahweh.

As Christopher J. H. Wright argues, Old Testament ethics are covenantal at their core; relational faithfulness mirrors God’s own covenant loyalty to Israel. Marriage, therefore, is a lived parable of divine fidelity. Daniel Block similarly demonstrates that in ancient Israel marriage was embedded within kinship structures of honor, obligation, and permanence—not fragile romantic individualism.

In the New Testament, Paul intensifies this covenantal vision in Ephesians 5:21–33. Marriage reflects the mystērion—the profound mystery—of Christ and the church. The call to “submit to one another” (5:21) precedes and frames all marital exhortation. Christ’s love is defined by kenosis (Phil 2:5–11): self-emptying humility, not self-assertion.

Thus, when trust is shattered, healing must begin not with techniques but with identity: Who are we in Christ? Marriage recovery is not merely emotional repair; it is covenant renewal grounded in Christ-centered humility.

II. The Roots of Marital Rupture: Mistrust, Bitterness, and Record-Keeping

When relationships fracture, three corrosive dynamics often emerge:

1. Mistrust

Trust is the fruit of consistent covenant faithfulness. When vows are violated—whether through betrayal, deception, neglect, or emotional withdrawal—security collapses.

2. Bitterness (pikria)

Hebrews 12:15 warns of a “root of bitterness” that defiles many. Bitterness is unresolved moral injury. It grows when pain is rehearsed without reconciliation.

3. Record-Keeping

Paul’s description of love in 1 Corinthians 13:5 states that love “keeps no record of wrongs.” The Greek logizetai is an accounting term—love does not maintain a ledger. Yet wounded spouses often mentally catalogue offenses, weaponizing history during conflict.

Gary Thomas rightly suggests in Sacred Marriage that conflict often exposes our uncrucified self rather than merely our spouse’s faults. Hurt becomes a mirror revealing pride, fear, entitlement, and unmet expectations.

III. Christ-Centered Identity: The Path of Humility and Servanthood

Marriage restoration requires a return to Christ-shaped identity:

A. Embrace Kenotic Humility

Philippians 2 calls believers to adopt the mind of Christ—voluntary self-lowering for the good of another. This does not excuse sin, but it reshapes posture. The question shifts from:

  • “How do I win?”
    to
  • “How do I love like Christ?”

B. Reframe Marriage as Sanctification

Gary Thomas provocatively asks: What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than happy? Viewing conflict through a sanctification lens reframes pain as spiritual formation.

C. Love and Respect Dynamics

Emerson Eggerichs’ work highlights cyclical breakdowns: a wife feels unloved; a husband feels disrespected. Though simplified at times, the model recognizes that emotional deprivation fuels defensiveness. Healing requires intentional counter-movement: offering love when one feels disrespected; offering respect when one feels unloved.

IV. Practical Steps for Rebuilding Trust and Healing

Below are structured, hands-on pathways toward reconciliation.

1. Structured Confession and Repentance

Healing begins with specific confession, not vague apologies.

Practical Exercise: The Ownership Conversation

  • Each spouse writes down:
    • Specific actions they regret.
    • The impact those actions had.
    • What repentance will look like behaviorally.
  • Use language like:
    “I was wrong when I ___. It harmed you by ___. I commit to ___.”

True repentance includes measurable change. Trust rebuilds through observable consistency over time.

2. Establish a “No Ledger” Covenant

Agree together:

  • We will not weaponize past forgiven offenses.
  • If an issue resurfaces, we will address current behavior rather than resurrecting history.

Practical Tool:
Create a symbolic act—shred written grievances after forgiveness prayer. Tangible rituals reinforce spiritual decisions.

3. Rebuild Emotional Safety Through Predictability

Trust is rebuilt through small, repeated faithfulness.

Weekly Faithfulness Practices:

  • 30-minute undistracted check-in. Marriage Summits.
  • Shared prayer.
  • Calendar transparency.
  • Financial openness.

Trust grows through consistency, not intensity.

4. Relearn Each Other’s Love Languages (Chapman)

Pain often obscures how each spouse experiences love.

Hands-On Exercise:

  • Identify primary and secondary love languages.
  • Commit to one intentional expression daily for 30 days.
  • Journal perceived impact.

This cultivates attentiveness and retrains affection.

5. Practice Servant Posture in Conflict

Before difficult conversations:

  • Pray individually: “Lord, reveal my pride.”
  • Ask: “What is my contribution to this tension?”

Conflict Guidelines:

  • No interrupting.
  • Reflect back what you heard.
  • Validate feelings before responding.
  • Address one issue at a time.

6. Replace Bitterness with Lament and Intercession

Bitterness thrives when pain has no outlet.

Spiritual Practice:

  • Write a lament psalm regarding marital hurt.
  • Pray it aloud together.
  • Transition from lament to intercession for your spouse’s spiritual flourishing.

Intercession transforms posture from adversary to advocate.

7. Create a Shared Mission (Chan)

Francis and Lisa Chan emphasize eternal purpose. Couples stuck in bitterness often become inward-focused.

Restoration Strategy:

  • Identify a shared ministry or service opportunity.
  • Pray for neighbors together.
  • Serve in church or community jointly.

Shared mission realigns marriage around something larger than conflict.

8. Establish Boundaries for Severe Breaches

In cases of betrayal (infidelity, addiction, deception):

  • Full transparency (devices, accounts).
  • Professional Christian counseling.
  • Accountability structures.
  • Clear recovery milestones.

Forgiveness does not eliminate wisdom. Covenant restoration includes rebuilding integrity.

9. Cultivate Gratitude Rituals

Bitterness magnifies negatives; gratitude retrains perception.

Daily Practice:

  • Share three specific appreciations each evening.
  • Avoid repetition.
  • Be concrete (“I appreciated how you handled the kids calmly tonight”).

10. Renew Covenant Vows

Once meaningful progress has occurred:

  • Write personal covenant statements.
  • Include commitments to humility and servanthood.
  • Read them privately or before trusted witnesses.

Ritual reinforces renewal.

V. The Deep Love of Christ as Model and Motivation

Ephesians 5 grounds marital love in Christ’s self-giving love that “gave himself up.” Christ loved at cost to himself. He forgave while bearing wounds.

Yet Christ’s love is not naïve—it is holy, covenantal, and transformative. He restores dignity while calling sinners into new obedience.

A restored marriage reflects:

  • Grace without denial.
  • Forgiveness without amnesia of wisdom.
  • Trust rebuilt through embodied faithfulness.
  • Servanthood shaped by cross-bearing love.

VI. Pastoral Exhortation

Rebuilding from severed trust is slow. It requires:

  • Patience measured in months and years.
  • Repentance deeper than apology.
  • Humility stronger than pride.
  • Grace rooted in the gospel.

Christian marriage is not sustained by compatibility but by cruciform love.

When two spouses embrace Christ-centered identity—dying to self, serving one another, forgiving as they have been forgiven—they participate in a living testimony of covenant redemption.

Your marriage can become a sanctuary of restored trust not because you are flawless, but because Christ is faithful.

Discussion Questions

  1. Covenant and Identity: How does understanding marriage as a covenant (berît) rather than a contract influence the way we approach forgiveness and restoration after a breach of trust? How can this shape daily attitudes in marriage?
  2. Bitterness and Records of Wrong: Hebrews 12:15 warns against the “root of bitterness,” and 1 Corinthians 13:5 instructs that love “keeps no record of wrongs.” What practical steps can a couple take to release past hurts while maintaining healthy boundaries?
  3. Christ-Centered Humility: How does embracing Christ’s example of self-emptying love (kenosis) practically change the way we engage in conflict and repair trust in marriage? Are there areas where pride still hinders reconciliation?
  4. Love Languages and Respect: Drawing from Gary Chapman and Emerson Eggerichs, how can identifying each other’s primary love language and needs for respect contribute to rebuilding emotional safety and intimacy after relational damage?
  5. Shared Mission and Spiritual Formation: Francis and Lisa Chan emphasize eternal purpose in marriage. How can pursuing a shared mission or ministry help couples move beyond personal hurt toward mutual growth and sanctification?

Bibliography

  • Block, Daniel I. “Marriage and Family in Ancient Israel.” In Marriage and Family in the Biblical World, edited by Ken M. Campbell, 33–102. Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic, 2003.
  • Chapman, Gary. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2015.
  • Chan, Francis, and Lisa Chan. You and Me Forever: Marriage in Light of Eternity. Colorado Springs: Claire Love Publishing, 2014.
  • Eggerichs, Emerson. Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2004.
  • Thomas, Gary. Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000.
  • Wright, Christopher J. H. Old Testament Ethics for the People of God. Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic, 2004.

Recommended Further Reading

  • Tripp, Paul David. What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage. Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2009. (Focus on gospel-centered marriage in daily life.)
  • Yancey, Philip. What’s So Amazing About Grace? Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1997. (Helpful for understanding forgiveness and mercy in relational contexts.)
  • Keller, Timothy. The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God. New York: Dutton, 2011. (Biblically rooted, culturally aware.)
  • Powlison, David. Speaking Truth in Love: Counsel in Community. Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2005. (Counseling-focused, with insight into relational restoration.)
  • Sandberg, Paul. Rebuilding Trust in Marriage. Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2016. (Practical, step-by-step guidance for recovery after betrayal.)

The Covenant of Marriage Communication – Conference Notes

Posted by expedition44 on

Communicating as Covenant Partners: A Christ-Centered Theology and Practice of Marriage Communication

Introduction

Marriage is more than a social institution or emotional partnership—it is a holy covenant established by God, modeled throughout Scripture, and fulfilled in Christ’s relationship with the Church. Communication within marriage is not merely a set of skills; it is a sacramental expression of covenanted love, shaped by identity in Christ and sustained by grace.

In a world of transactional relationships and consumerized romance, Christian couples are called to something deeper: speaking truth in love (Eph. 4:15), bearing one another’s burdens (Gal. 6:2), and reflecting God’s steadfast love (חסד, chesed) in how they listen, speak, and respond to one another.

I. Covenant as the Foundation for Communication

1. The Hebraic Concept of Covenant

In Scripture, covenant (ברית, berith) is not a contract; it is a relational pledge grounded in faithfulness and identity. It structures marriage not around feelings or performance, but around being–with–one–another under God.

  • Genesis 2:24—“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
    One flesh implies unity in identity, purpose, and narrative—a shared life.
  • Malachi 2:14–16—God calls Israel my companion (רעיה, re‘iyah) in covenant, highlighting vow-keeping as essential to relational integrity.
    Marriage communication reflects this same vow-oriented faithfulness.

2. Christ and the Church as the Ultimate Covenant Model

Ephesians 5:25–33 anchors marital love in Christ’s sacrificial love for the Church:

  • Self–giving love
  • Cleansing through the Word
  • Nurturing growth and flourishing

In this model, communication is not negotiable nor optional—it is an expression of covenant identity.

II. Biblical Models of Christ-Centered Communication

1. Jesus: Communicating with Presence and Truth

Jesus embodied communication that was:

  • Attentive — He saw and called individuals by name (Mark 10:21; John 4:27–30).
  • Restorative — He spoke truth that healed rather than harmed (John 8:1–11).
  • Sacrificial — His words pierced, yet offered life (John 6:60–69).

Application for couples:

  • Be fully present in conversation (no half-listening).
  • Seek truth to heal, not to win.

2. Paul: Words That Build Up

Paul repeatedly encourages the church to communicate with grace:

  • Ephesians 4:29 — “Let no corrupting talk come out … but only such as is good for building up.”
  • Colossians 3:12–14 — Compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, love.

Application for couples:

  • Make speech an agent of edification, not accusation.
  • Aim for restoration and peace (Matt. 5:9).

3. Proverbs: Wisdom for Everyday Speech

Proverbs 15:1 contrasts gentleness with provocation:

  • “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Application for couples:

  • Choose tone and timing wisely.
  • Slow down before responding; give space for Spirit-guided reflection.

III. Avoiding Destructive Patterns: The “Crazy Cycle” and Other Traps

John and Stacy Edwards’ Love & Respect highlights the “Crazy Cycle”:

  • Wives want love, feel unheard →
  • Husbands want respect, feel dismissed →
  • Escalation ensues.

While their gender framing has sparked discussion, the core insight resonates with covenant communication: each partner deeply desires to be known, honored, and treasured.

Redemptive pattern:

  • Respond to hurts with clarifying questions rather than assumptions.
  • Affirm identity (“I hear you; your heart matters to me”), then seek understanding.

IV. Communication as Intimacy: Pillars for Practice

Drawing from One Extraordinary Marriage (6 Pillars of Intimacy):

1. Physical Presence

Not just being in the same room—being fully present and undistracted.

2. Emotional Space

Create an environment where vulnerability is welcomed, not weaponized.

3. Spiritual Unity

Pray together before you problem-solve together.

4. Intellectual Engagement

Value curiosity over defensiveness.

5. Relational Investment

Set rhythms (weekly check-ins, shared devotions) that speak covenant over chaos.

6. Communal Support

Accountability with trusted mentors or couples enriches communication health.

V. Tools That Serve Covenant Communication

1. Love Languages (Gary Chapman)

Understanding each other’s primary love languages—words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, physical touch—enhances mutual empathy and expressive clarity.

2. Rhythms from Sacred Marriage (Gary Thomas)

Thomas reframes marriage as sanctification before satisfaction. Communication becomes a means to God’s glory, not just emotional comfort.

3. Eternal Perspective from The Meaning of Marriage (Timothy Keller)

Marriage reflects Christ’s gospel: steadfast, gracious, covenantal. Communication is therefore missionary—bearing witness in everyday speech.

4. You and Me Forever (Francis & Lisa Chan)

Focuses couples on shared Gospel mission, reducing self-absorption and enhancing sacrificial dialogue.

VI. Practical Communication Principles Grounded in Covenant Identity

1. Listen Before You Respond

Listening communicates worth and attention.

Practical tip:

  • Reflect back what you heard before responding.

2. Speak Truth in Love

Truth without love wounds; love without truth obscures reality.

Practical tip:

  • Use “I” statements and describe specific behaviors, not character labels.

3. Forgive and Seek Forgiveness

Covenant speech includes reconciliation language.

Practical tip:

  • Practice short, daily reconciliations to prevent relational drift.

4. Pray Before Difficult Conversations

Invite the Spirit to shape hearts before words are exchanged.

Practical tip:

  • Frame hard discussions with scripture (“Lord, make us quick to listen…” James 1:19).

5. Celebrate Small Wins

Acknowledging growth builds trust.

Practical tip:

  • Weekly “gratitude moments” during meals or prayer times.

Conclusion: Communicating as Covenant Worship

Communication in Christian marriage is not primarily a technique—it is covenant language. It reflects who we are in Christ and how covenant love shapes everyday life. Words become acts of worship, spaces of grace, and pathways of transformation when we speak and listen in the presence of God.

May our marriages echo the speech of Christ—patient, kind, humble, forgiving, and anchored in love that never ends (1 Cor. 13:4–8).

Discussion Questions

1. Covenant vs. Contract: How Does Ontology Shape Communication?

The Hebrew concept of בְּרִית (berith) frames marriage as a covenant grounded in identity and faithfulness rather than performance or emotional satisfaction.

  • In what ways does viewing marriage as covenant (rather than contract) reshape expectations during conflict?
  • How might this covenantal framework alter the way couples interpret silence, criticism, or emotional withdrawal?
  • How does Malachi 2:14–16 challenge modern consumerist assumptions about relational fulfillment?

2. Christological Communication: Imitating the Speech of Jesus

Ephesians 5 roots marriage in the self-giving love of Christ.

  • How does Christ’s communicative posture (John 4; John 8; Mark 10:21) inform a theology of attentiveness and truth-telling in marriage?
  • What does it mean to “cleanse by the washing of water with the word” (Eph. 5:26) in the context of marital speech?
  • In practical terms, how can couples ensure their words are redemptive rather than corrective alone?

3. The “Crazy Cycle” and the Doctrine of Sin

Eggerich’s “Crazy Cycle” describes relational escalation when love and respect feel absent.

  • How does this dynamic reflect the broader biblical doctrine of sin as relational fracture (Gen. 3)?
  • In what ways does pride distort listening and self-giving communication?
  • How might a theology of repentance interrupt destructive communication cycles?

4. Sanctification Through Speech

Gary Thomas argues marriage is more about holiness than happiness.

  • How can communication function as a primary instrument of sanctification?
  • Reflect on James 1:19–20 and Ephesians 4:29. What spiritual disciplines are necessary for obedient speech?
  • How might difficult conversations serve as means of grace rather than merely problems to solve?

5. Identity in Christ and Shared Mission

Drawing from Keller and the Chans, marriage reflects the gospel and participates in mission.

  • How does shared identity “in Christ” stabilize communication when emotions fluctuate?
  • What practices (prayer, shared Scripture, missional engagement) tangibly reinforce covenant identity in daily dialogue?
  • How does a shared eternal vision recalibrate trivial conflicts?

Bibliography

Chapman, Gary. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2015.

Chan, Francis, and Lisa Chan. You and Me Forever: Marriage in Light of Eternity. Colorado Springs: Claire Love Publishing, 2014.

Eggerichs, Emerson. Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2004.

Keller, Timothy, with Kathy Keller. The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God. New York: Dutton, 2011.

Thomas, Gary. Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000.

Gregoire, Sheila Wray. The Great Sex Rescue. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2021.

Wright, Christopher J. H. Old Testament Ethics for the People of God. Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic, 2004.

Block, Daniel I. “Marriage and Family in Ancient Israel.” In Marriage and Family in the Biblical World, edited by Ken M. Campbell, 33–102. Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic, 2003.

The covenant and marriage

Posted by expedition44 on

The goal of gathering information on this topic is that it might be activated and transformed continually to you. “Do or do not. There is no try” [1] You are a minister of the order of the holy royal priesthood, and your primary congregation is your spouse and family. “Many of the truths that we cling to depend on our point of view.” [2] In a marriage you always think your perspective is correct, yet if you are in a covenant relationship your spouse, your primary covenant relationship is based on the Lord [first]. Therefore, the Holy Spirit is commissioned through your spouse to give you the gift of a divine perspective when you aren’t able to see clearly yourself. There are a lot of repercussions today of the modern church not understanding ancient covenant language that have affected our marriages, family, and the body of Christ. I think we need a return to covenant faithfulness, and it starts with each of us in covenant relationship before the Lord, then to our marriage, families and unto the ends of the earth by discipleship.

 “You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being.” Revelation 4:11

“In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse.  It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ” (279). [3]

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 states that two are better than one, as they can help each other and share the rewards of their labor. If one falls, the other can lift them up, but woe to the person who is alone when they fall.

Let all that you do be done in love.  1 Corinthians 16:14 

Your marriage first has to be grounded individually in the love of Christ and then reflected towards your spouse. The word love in our culture is overworked and overlooked. An overworked word loses its meaning.  An overlooked word has no meaning at all. 

Love in the OT is a spontaneous feeling which impels to self-giving, to grasping that which causes it, or to pleasurable activity. It involves the inner person. Since it has a sexual basis, it is directed supremely to persons; love for things or acts has a metaphorical aspect. God’s love is correlative to his personal nature, and love for God is love first for his person and only then for his word or law. Yet even in the extended sense love has an element of fervor or passion except in the case of lesser objects. In the secular sphere love is for husband or wife, parents or children, friends, masters, servants, and social groups. This use is more common than the religious use and may thus be taken as the basis of interpretation. [4]

Does this come as a surprise that the Hebrew ahavah and its Greek correlate agape both have sexual roots? Consider for a moment that YHVH uses marriage and adultery as the paradigm examples of covenant relationship with Him.  It’s all about intimacy, ecstasy, bliss, jubilation and euphoria. It should be the ultimate metaphor of Joy.  Sex is likely the closest slice (or foreshadow) of heaven we will ever get, especially if it is performed in the light that God intended. I give “rapture” theology a hard time, but maybe we have similarly victimized agape by turning it into a set of proxy principles, a way of feeling religious virtue without ever taking off our clothes.  Arm’s-length intimacy isn’t found in Scripture. We have learned to view love in an incomplete form, and anything outside of Christ is incomplete.

The primary word for love in Hebrew is ahavah (אַהֲבָה). Ahavah conveys both human and divine love. It appears in a range of contexts, from romantic love (e.g., Jacob’s love for Rachel in Genesis 29:20) to the covenantal love between God and His people (e.g., Deuteronomy 7:7–8). Ahavah emphasizes action and commitment. This is evident in Deuteronomy 6:5: “Love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.” Here, ahavah signifies an all-encompassing devotion rooted in faithfulness and obedience. [5]

Another significant Hebrew term is chesed (חֶסֶד), often translated as “loving-kindness” or “steadfast love.” While not synonymous with ahavah, chesed communicates God’s covenantal loyalty and mercy, such as in Psalm 136, where the refrain declares, “His steadfast love endures forever.”

Together, ahavah and chesed demonstrate a love that is both relational and enduring. [6]

In covenant marriage, this multifaceted understanding of love calls for a life of devotion, selflessness, and community. By living out this love, we participate in the divine mission of bringing healing and reconciliation into our marriage, our families, and through discipleship, to the end of the broken world.

“[It is] a central scriptural teaching…that wherever anything wrong exists in the world, anything we experience as anti-normative, evil, distorted, or sick, there we meet the perversion of God’s good creation. It is one of the unique and distinctive features of the Bible’s teaching on the human situation that all evil and perversity in the world is ultimately the result of humanity’s fall, of its refusal to live according to the good ordinances of God’s creation. Human disobedience and guilt lie in the last analysis at the root of all the troubles on earth.” [7]

Consider now how frequently idolatry and sexual immorality appear in tandem throughout the biblical narrative (see Exodus 32, Isaiah 57:7-8, Hosea 4:12-14, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, Galatians 5:19-21, Ephesians 5:5, Colossians 3:5, Revelation 2:14, 20, 21:25). 

“The link between idolatry and sexual immorality is established by the frequent use of ‘prostituting themselves’ or ‘adultery’ to describe Hebrew idolatry [in the Old Testament]. Israel’s unfaithfulness to God was not only a form of spiritual prostitution or adultery, but it also led to the physical acts themselves.” [8]

Sexual sin is merely a symptom of something else. Everything is turned upside down—splintered, deformed, and henceforth, death-dealing to our spirituality. The Greek pornea primary definition is adultery, but it has a secondary meaning of idolatry. It was connected to sexual practices involved in pagan worship. Among pagans, temple prostitutes and group orgies were a reality. The prophets Jeremiah and Ezekiel also employ this metaphor. Jeremiah 3:6-9 describes Israel’s idolatry as harlotry:

“During the reign of King Josiah, the LORD said to me, ‘Have you seen what faithless Israel has done? She has gone up on every high hill and under every green tree to prostitute herself there.’ … ‘Because Israel’s immorality mattered so little to her, she defiled the land and committed adultery with stone and wood.'”

Similarly, Ezekiel 16 and 23 provide graphic depictions of Israel’s idolatry as adulterous behavior, emphasizing the betrayal of the covenant relationship.

The book of James further reinforces this concept by addressing the divided loyalties of believers. 

James 4:4 states, “You adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore, whoever chooses to be a friend of the world renders himself an enemy of God.”

Here, the language of adultery is used to describe the spiritual unfaithfulness of aligning with worldly values over God’s commandments.

Throughout Scripture, idolatry is depicted as spiritual adultery which serves as a powerful reminder of the exclusive devotion God demands from His people. It highlights the seriousness of idolatry, not merely as a breach of religious practice but as a profound betrayal of the intimate relationship God desires with His followers. [9]

Covenant and replacement Theology

This is not really a post on a particular theology, I don’t really subscribe to much of any boxes to check in that regard, but since you might be wondering, I will expound here briefly. It then becomes very interesting that many scholars would say that God eventually “divorces” Israel for her unfaithfulness paving the way for the New Covenant for all to be grafted into the “body of Christ,” the “church” as the “new” bride of Christ. Although this is the heart of replacement theology and often argued (to may take the simple analogy too far), it is hard to deny that in a basic sense God has severed His relationship with unfaithful Israel and offered it to all who will accept Him. Where “replacement Theology” might be perceived as a bit “off” here is when you come to the realization that God’s plan through the Abrahamic Covenant was to redeem or reconcile all the nations. Israel would simply be that catalyst, and when they failed to follow through in their covenant mission, God simply adapted a plan for “all” to return to Him. However, this is splitting hairs as the plan of covenant relationship was always for those that made a personal decision and were willing to enter into allegiant obedience with Him. The offering simply started with all of Israel being chosen to receive a special favor of redemption through the Exodus to begin that process. to some regard special privilege as a nation was given to Israel as a whole but not to the extent of some magic tractor beam that some have made it out to sound like. The covenant relationship that God offers to anyone, Israel or those under the New Covenant was always prefaced by the need to enter into obedient relationship with Him. In that sense what God was looking for never changed from the former covenants to the New Covenant.

Love in Covenant Relationships

Covenant relationships form the backbone of many biblical narratives, embodying a commitment that goes beyond mere agreements to encompass mutual devotion and loyalty. These relationships, often likened to the bond between God and His people, reflect a profound level of trust and dedication. Within the context of marriage, the covenant relationship symbolizes a lifelong promise, where love is not merely an emotion but a steadfast commitment to uphold the precepts of the Lord as mosaic picture of sacrificial love and the essence of the Love of Jesus towards another. In a covenant relationship, love has always been characterized by unwavering faithfulness.

Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were entreating through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 2 Corinthians 5:20

God’s covenant relationship with us is a metaphor of marital faithfulness.  It’s not just about sexual fidelity but sex has a very big role to play in this metaphor, so much so that idolatry is viewed in sexual terms.  We see this again when Paul chooses the Greek term katallasso as the verb about returning to the Lord. Katallasso means “to reconcile,” and is used in 1 Corinthians 7:11 about marriage reconciliation.  This Greek verb is the verb for marriage counseling.  It is the goal and the means by which estranged couples reunite.  And if Paul uses this verb as the actions required of broken marriages, how much more applicable is it when it comes to broken fellowship with the Great Lover His church. Pagans convert.  Jews return. This message isn’t just for the married, it is also to those that have lost their covenant. Paul is reaching out to those who were once part of the fellowship but now don’t live like it.  This can be seen as directed towards Israel, but also anyone else who has strayed. Their error is divorcing God.  They knew God but they chose to live for their own agendas.  Perhaps today in our modern religious circles there are a lot more who need to be reconciled than we thought.  Perhaps the most important function of the “church” is “divorce counseling” with those who thought marriage to God only meant signing the contract. We have learned to treat this covenant like a contract of the world not a spiritual covenant. I have always had a hard time with evangelical crusades that emphasize the salvific concentration without the follow-up of deeper discipleship. It resembles a one-night stand kind of theology rather than a lifetime of faithful commitment.

For believers, covenant faithfulness involves a response to God’s steadfast love through obedience, worship, and devotion. The call to faithfulness is echoed in 1 Corinthians 4:2, “Now it is required of stewards that they be found faithful.” Christians are encouraged to live in a manner worthy of the calling they have received, reflecting God’s faithfulness in their relationships and commitments. When we fail to live intimately in the covenant that God offers to us it is describes with the same words as adultery and idolatry. In this sense casual Christianity equates with grounds for spiritual divorce. (I never knew you.) Yet God is pictured as a faithful partner that is always asking the unfaithful one to come back into lost devotion.

The Book of Hebrews exhorts believers to hold fast to their hope without wavering, for “He who promised is faithful” (Hebrews 10:23). This assurance of God’s faithfulness provides the foundation for a life of trust and perseverance in the covenant marriage and the Christian journey. That is the heart of the covenant. That we might be completely undivided to this journey of covenant faithfulness to the Lord and then to our spouse, our families, and unto the end of the world to those that are endeared together in this commissional calling. It is a return to Eden and beyond.

SPECIAL THANKS TO Krista Bensheimer and Steve and Kay Cassell who contributed to the article.

  1. Master Yoda – Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, George Lucas
  2. Master Yoda – Star Wars: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, George Lucas
  3. Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs. Emerson Eggerichs. Nashville, TN: Nelson, Thomas Inc., 2004. 
  4. Kittel, G., Friedrich, G., & Bromiley, G. W. (1985). Theological Dictionary of the New Testament. Grand Rapids, MI: W.B. Eerdmans.
  5. Etymological Dictionary of Biblical Hebrew: Based on the Commentaries of Samson Raphael Hirsch
  6. ^IBID
  7. Albert M. Wolters, Creation Regained: Biblical Basics for a Reformational Worldview, p. 46
  8. Dennis P. Hollinger, The Meaning of Sex: Christian Ethics and the Moral Life
  9. https://biblehub.com/topical/i/idolatry_as_spiritual_adultery.htm